Submission, service and discipline - a reflection
It's been about 2 months of slowly giving more and more control to Sir and I’m getting more and more used to it. The exercise routine and chastity tracking has become a ritual that I dare not break. It keeps me focused and the gym progress is starting to show so I’m very happy how strictly it is enforced.
Each morning I wake up and the first thing I do is update the chastity tracker. I’m spurred on by the punishments I have had for forgetting to do so before. It's also done with eagerness to please Sir, but the memory of the caning from last time is still too fresh to not have that at the forefront of my mind. Silly slips like not updating the tracker will be met with harsher punishments the more they occur. Plus Sir’s disappointment in me for forgetting is almost worse than the caning. Almost.
After work, I complete my exercises. It's really horny to send Sir the video of me doing the exercises and I’m starting to see more defined abs so I’m quite motivated to do them. Some days are harder than others to gather the strength to do them since it's a tough regime. Sir keeps adding new exercises but it's nothing I can’t handle if I put my mind to it. I like the constant push for just a bit more. I’m much stronger than I was even a month ago so I grudgingly accept the escalation. The increase from a 1min to 1min 30s plank increase was like a punch to the gut at the time but now I can handle it just fine. I’m not quite motivated enough yet to do the exercises before work though. This slave is not an early bird except to serve Sir’s cock.
I go to bed at night and make sure I’ve updated my food diary and write out my blog, if instructed, reflecting on being owned and what my life is like under strict control. The day is structured to be thinking of Sir and his control. It's like being in a boot camp or army barracks whose sole focus is outputting high quality slaves for service. I have always joked that I’d thrive in the army with all their rules and structure.
I know that having Sir controlling my actions is for the best - it will help me become a dedicated slave for his service - but I am still finding some things difficult to let go of. The chain locked around my neck hasn’t come off for 3 weeks straight now but I am still conscious about it. That will be a work in progress for a long time but I want to get over it for Sir. I should be proud of being his locked slave. I love the look of it and I think it's giving me more confidence - that or my improved physique. I’ve been wearing tighter clothes to the gym and tops I’ve been scared to wear outside for fear of being judged. It's helping me get out of my head and not caring what others think little by little. At the moment I don’t care if strangers see it but it's still a hurdle around friends and family. Only one of my friends has seen it and I brushed it off when she pointed it out. She hasn’t mentioned it since so who knows if she even remembers it. In a way I hope she does and in another I hope she forgot. Ugh, as I said it's still a work in progress. Sir wants me to get a slightly thicker collar one day and I can’t wait for the day I’m confident enough to get that. Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey though - I’m still getting used to this collar yet.
It is also hard to give up control of decisions when there's temptations - especially those driven by my dick. In my locked state I am naturally extremely horny most of the time and reminders of my dick being free before meeting Sir and being locked 24/7 are the most dangerous. A guy I’ve met through Recon and had really hot rubber sex with keeps wanting to meet up. He’s gorgeous and a complete rubber slut so not being allowed to fuck him is slightly killing me. It’s made worse since he keeps messaging with hot pics and Sir has blocked porn so I’ll take what I can get. In ye olden days I’d just meet up and fuck him. My load would be in his hole several times by now. I asked Sir what the chances were of him unlocking me to be allowed to fuck this guy and he said “0 Slave”. It's really frustrating but also so hot. My dick isn’t mine anymore and this denial is exactly what I wanted when going into this Master/Slave dynamic. The denial is what makes the rewards so much better in the end but fuck if it doesn’t feel difficult at times. I suspect that those loads I could have fucked into that guy even if all combined at once wouldn’t have produced as much cum or been so fucking horny as the ruined orgasm I had after a full day of being used by Sir. It's how I know giving up control of my dick to Sir was the right choice even if it's difficult at times.
The urge to cum is lulling more since I’m not wanking every day. Not being allowed to cum every day was horny at first since those were the conditions to meet with Sir and I wasn’t going to fail my first test. I’m a better slave than that! But once locked in chastity after our second meeting I was fully cold turkey on the cumming front and it felt like a withdrawal. I’m more used to not cumming every day after two months of cum control and chastity so that is good at least but the urge does come in waves now and then. Sir has blocked all porn so it's easier to resist but it's a ‘Catch 22’ since if I think about the fact I can’t access porn it gets me horny and I want to access it more. I have to stop it before it spirals too much and I get actually annoyed. It's much harder being locked when you really, really want to cum. It has spiked again after getting to orgasm last time I met with Sir. It was a ruined orgasm but it was one of the best of my life regardless. It has made me remember how good an orgasm is though so the urge is back more than it was before. Another ‘Catch 22’ since I want Sir to let me orgasm when we meet but I am a better slave when I haven’t so part of me wants him to say no. In fact I think I’d melt into a submissive puddle if during our last meeting, with my 52 day denied blue balls, he’d said I’d not earned it and sent me home locked with just the marks of punishment on my arse. Being so torn about these things is another reason why giving Sir full control over my cock is good for me. I have no say so I can just ride the wave of horniness as it comes since whatever Siir says will make me horny.
Sir and I have been discussing getting a custom cage so I can be more comfortably locked. Good for me so I’m healthier being locked. Great for sir since I can be locked for longer with no need to escape. It will help with frustration and keep my attention away from my dick and instead towards important things. In a realistic sense I’ll also be more committed to long term chastity since it will cost a pretty penny. Sir would love to control my finances since that's one of the only elements that he doesn’t control about my life. That would be very fucking horny but not a step I’m ready to take yet. I know he wouldn’t be abusive with it - if anything I’d probably be saving a lot more money - but enough of my life has changed to being under control in a short few months that anything more would be too much. Other things not under Sir’s control include how I dress and other more mundane aspects of life such as shower duration and temperature (although the latter has been harnessed as punishment and the former discussed as potential for punishment). I’m reminded of the words ‘be careful what you wish for’. I’m feeling rather mindfucked at the moment but I am really liking what I’m getting. Further and further into submission I go…
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